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*Ceara Elise*

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the fun of being no one [21 Jan 2005|11:31pm]
[ mood | sore ]

So I know that Im screwed up in the head, but really, who isnt in some way? I like writing in here, but I havent even been online in a while because a while back when I was insanely depressed, I did nothing else but watch movies and stay online all day. So randomly over the past couple years Ive gotten online but I can count on one hand the amount of times it's been. Weird.

Im not exactly going through a great time in my life. I'm in pain every single day. I have no money. I never feel like doing anything - always exhausted, often down in my mood. I dont like my living situation, but it's acceptable. But I do have a great job and a lot of love in my life. If it werent for these things I would be completely lost. So for now Im just partially lost. ANd there's a difference between partially lost, and all lost...

To Do:
...open tomorrrow at work
...clean, clean, clean
...go to the mountain
(it's sad when you need to put "shower" on your to do list}

Today I:
...finished reading A Wind in the Door and read half of A Swiftly Tilting Planet
(so much awesomeness in such small books)
...worked 5:30am to noon
...slept until 7ish pm
...forgot to give my aunt money like an idiot
...ate sickeningly sweet baklava cheesecake
...ended up making Amy feel worse about her boyfriend and life (go me!)

I suck. Anyway, gotta get up at 5:30am, time for bed.

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so... [11 Mar 2004|07:37pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

so I've been sort of nonexistent for a long while... awake but not really here. I've decided some changes are long overdue and I guess I realized I miss feeling a wider range of emotions... every day - not just some days. Of course when you're drifting along half-contentedly in a cloud of 'now' it's sometimes hard to recognize that you could experience something greater tomorrow, if only you let yourself. I havent written in here in a long time, I havent written in a long time, I havent screamed and laughed out loud, twirled around and been outrageous in a long time, I havent had "girltalk" in a long time. I dont wanna live here anymore, I dont wanna dwell here anymore in these neuroses that follow me in curious disguise. I've come a long way, but no one has seen it - not even those closest to me. No one sees, and eventually I forget to notice. THen desperation comes, with no real way to express it. I've become numb in a lot of ways because numbness is the only way I seem to let anything happen in my life... otherwise I analyze every tiny detail of every insignificant situation until I'm a mess of anxiety. I think about every thing over and over again until I finally can decide how I feel about it and of course by then it's too late to do anything about anything. Or else it's a ton more difficult. It's not that I'm depressed, it's that I just... am. I'm just here. Being in this place is too easy, but easy doesnt always equal happy. It's easy in the way that falling into a hole is easy once you slip. I think some people who know me probably think I've stopped caring. But I probably care more than before, I've just stopped experiencing. ANd now Im trying to stop stopping what I've stopped. INdeed. I want to say more but my thoughts are just all over the place right now. THat's what happens after 9 hours of runnin around.

by the way... anyone know anyone who wants to work at a salon with me?

7 comments|post comment

whatever. [10 Dec 2003|02:06pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]


I'm tired... no I'm sick of always feeling like Im on hold. Waiting for everything to begin. Maybe Im not doing everything I can... I mean of course Im not. But I'm struggling and trying and sorting things out in my head and in the physical world. Today I will see hopefully what is going to happen, get a hint toward whether or not anything could happen, and hopefully by the end of the night I with just feel better overall. But of course nothing ever happens the way you want it to, right? So something will be unexpected, and most likey I will again be on hold - just in a different, hopefully more changed way. I guess my word for the day is Hopefully. Actually more my word for this era of my life.

In concusion, hopefully everyone is doing okay is one way or another. Melissa, Christina, Jamie, Dom, Ryan, Luke, David, Jon, Colin, Jenni, Kevin, Chad, and everyone I either dont know personally, or who I didnt mention off the top of my scattered brain at the moment... love you all, and hope you're swell, and everything's creamy and good.

2 comments|post comment

yay [25 Nov 2003|10:30am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

You rule. in 15 years, you won't be as known as you
are now, but most of the people that will know
you then will like you (or else I'll beat them
with a stick). You're nice to listen to.

What band from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I don't have much to say today... i want to write something though because there's nothing else to do right now and Im too tired to find some kind of work to do. There's probably something i should be doing, I just dont know what it is... I need 12 dollars, at least. That'd be great. Er... make that $17.

I saw Gothika the other day... pretty scary, made me jump/scream/frightened a bunch of times and was also just a good movie, with the exception of a few dumb cliches they could have done without.

Also saw, Matix Revolutions - now most people I know of did not like this movie. Actually, I thought it was really good. A few things pissed me off/disappointed me, and there were a few little scenes I thought were just kind of dumb and made me laugh out loud in the movie theatre, but the action sequences were so creative and the special effects were incredible, and if you think about it, that's what made the first Matrix such a huge deal in the first place. I also really like the storyline. So overall I liked it a lot and I'd probably like it more if I saw it again. If you've seen Animatrix I think it also adds to the whole Matrix movie experience. So that's my take on that.

I can't believe I have almost 3 more hours before I can leave here. That's forever! or it seems like it when you're really tired... What am I going to do until then?

I realize everytime I write in here I say something about being bored at work or whatever, but it's just that there's really rarely anything else to do but sit here and think about when I can leave! Things I usually do at work instead of doing any actual work:

1)write in lj
2)check e-mail
4)write silly poems
5)correct Amy's essays
6)make X-mas list
7)try to keep from freezing
8)think about what other useful things I could be doing with my time besides sitting here and staring into space, and then i realize I get paid for staring into space and happily continue to stare into space

Actually, the CEO of this company apparently has trouble handling money and people arent getting paid, including me. I think the problem is being resolved and I should get paid tomorrow-ish. I hope so.


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sooooo thirrrrstyyyy [18 Nov 2003|12:30pm]
[ mood | sore ]

what is "accounts payable?" If there's an obvious answer to that question, I'm sorry, but I'm clueless. Sales.... stuff?

Sooo... bored at work again... If it werent for this job I might still never update my journal. Of course, there isnt really much to say anyway, so basically these are just inane ramblings of a so-so employee. I have no idea what Im doing at this job, it's amazing. I'm grateful for this job because it pays well, and I do basically nothing except answer phones (which I dont do well at times) and mail stuff. Every time I have to do something besides these things, someone explains to me how to do it... and since that takes a certain amount of time anyway, then wouldnt they probably be better off doing it themselves? So why do they even need a person like me, anyway? Oh well, Im grateful, and who cares...

The other day I referred to myself jokingly as "Spanish-ish" and did a little dance... but I dont even speak spanish... is the thing. It'd be so much easier if I did - then when I went to Dairy Queen, I wouldnt have awkward moment #8 with the Mexican lady at the register.

Disheveled = moi. I feel like a starving orphan. "Nobody loves me..." :(
OOps I did it again, I forgot to put deodorant on this morning, I just realized. Good thing it's not like 80 degrees again today... in NOVEMBER! Yesterday I was sitting out on the deck and there was mosquito actually attempting to feed off me. I told it to go home. It didnt listen, so I smashed it.

Maybe I'll write a novel... I'll call it, "Mosquitos in November." Kind of like Dancing in September or whatever it's called... there is something called that, isnt there? Im not just imagining things? Speaking of novels, I'd like to read what you were writing, Lissa... you have some great ideas, so I can expect it doesnt really "suck." Who made the Floyd the Be All and End All? Who said he was the bee's knees? He's just one person. So I'd like the link or whatnot, cuz Im interested.

Welp, that's all for today folks.
Oh yeah, and I won a cruise to the Bahamas, and your mom eats oranges.

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Allo! [11 Nov 2003|12:03pm]
And second of all I have been needing an update havent i?
<1> woke up, shower (i used to never be able to take showers in the morning without getting a splitting headache, it was quite exasperating; now it's all good)
<2> work: DICUT Inc., Secretary-ish Person 9am-2pm (currently here and busy for once, but still bored and FREEZING MY ASS OFF! actually, my butt is warm cuz Im sitting on it, but the rest of me is ice)
<3> work: Reflections Salon and Day Spa, Stylist's Assistant 2:30pm-7:30pm (I still never know what to wear to work here although it's been months... if I wear anything but a tank top I'm hot like a mofo, and if I do wear said tank top, 'tis way too cold - temperature becomes troublesome concept)
<4> see if Carnivale is on, drift in and out of sleepingness, eat banana cream snack pack...ahhh such comfort the thought of this does bring

So Im cold, sleepy, hungry, and working, blah blah blah...

Lissa, if you happen upon reading this, I never gave u your B-day present, and thinking about this, I had an idea, so Im combining it with your X-mas present... that is all...
Eek, thinking about X-mas makes me even colder... maybe cuz X-mas means spending money I dont have ::shiver:: :)

Lalala... somebody call me or something so I can do something sometime
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la la la... [04 Aug 2003|05:46pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Tell me what you really think...

off to tha thrift store now I go...

2 comments|post comment

baa baa black sheep, have you any wool? [27 Jul 2003|05:23pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I'm supposed to be productive today... or something. Clean, organize, find things Im looking for, call me mum. But I havent done anything but sit around zoning out and being lazy.

I had a dream last night that I was being chased by someone, somebody I knew, and he was trying to kill me... And at first it was like, he was my friend so I thought he was joking, but then I almost died because he rammed my car into a building and I got injured and so I got really scared. So then the people were yelling at me because I drove into their building and I freaked out screaming that someone was after me so they protected me by hiding me in some fancy spa-type bathroom. It was weird.

Then I had another dream that I was at the beach, and it was the middle of the day I think, but the sky was really dim. And I was sitting by the ocean, and everyone I was with was trying to figure out what it was that wasnt quite right. It was that there were no waves. The ocean was perfectly still. So I reached in the water and found all of these really amazing shells that I wouldnt have been able to find if there were waves. And then the sun started to come up... even though it was the middle of the day already.

I have odd dreams almost every night. I dreamt the other night that I got shot in the arm by a gang, and then had to try and explain it to my mom and was like "Mom, now dont freak out or anything..." It was funny.

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[16 Jul 2003|02:52am]
[ mood | excited ]

Hey anybody wanna go see Reel Big Fish at the Roxy tomorrow night at 7:30 for $16.50??? Tomorrow as in technically today as in Wednesday...
Any takers? reply here or call me...or call somebody else you know that has my number if you dont have it....yeah. :)

3 comments|post comment

lucky [11 Jul 2003|03:12am]
[ mood | tired ]

Had an interview at Charlotte Russe today... seems as though I'll probably be hired. I shall know by Monday. Yayyy! Job! No seriously, I NEED the money in a major way. My aunt freaked out on me today when I talked to her about rent and my car payment to her. Like I can help it that I dont have money yet. I've been trying to get a job for a month. Usually I can ask my Dad or Mom and eventually it works out so I have the money, but right now my Dad seems to be in jail or something, cuz he's not returning my calls and last I heard he was going to court for a DUI. Lovely. And my mom is building a house so all her money is going into that. Whatever, Im just glad Im not living at an apartment still, cuz I would be a lot more panicked. With my aunt, I just listen to her bugging me about money until I have it. So it's all good.

So is Andrew coming back Saturday for sure? is this just a rumor? I probably have to call someone and find out, dont I. Okay then.

hmmm...nothing more to say, I dont think...

Oh yes! I have brownies, and the Secretary, and F-Zero. Zippidy doo :)

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look deeper [29 Jun 2003|10:33pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

Sometimes I feel inadequate.
Sometimes I read the journal entries my friends write and think "wow, she is so smart..." and "damn, that's such a deep person..." and I wish I had more of the beauty I see in these other people.
Sometimes I feel like a stupid lost little girl in the midst of all these beings who know what it's all about, who understand life better than I.
I see people who can work their minds in such beautiful mysterious ways and I can't even fathom the depths of these capabilities at times. What a wonderous mind is that of a musician and that of an eloquent speaker, that of a songstress and that of a theorist.
Sometimes I feel like a pebble among many sunken to the bottom of a pond, and here and there a plant springs up from the rabble and grows until it reaches above the water. Sometimes I think to myself, "I wish I was one of those... How do I get to be one of those?"

And then I must remind myself... I am intelligent and I am deep, I understand so much compared to so many lost souls out there. I know who I am. And I do have beauty inside me - as much as those I admire. And I am so lucky because I have those few who are close enough to me to see these things in me, to encourage me and remind me that I am a good person when I feel loathesome, to tell me I have a beautiful soul. And it is these people I most cherish and for whom I possess unrelinquishable love, although I do endeavor to love everyone unconditionally. Maybe all of this sounds sentimental, and maybe it even sickens some, maybe you think it's cheesy, or overdone, or ridiculous, but it is so much from the heart that I can only say to that - look deeper.

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it's the only way [25 Jun 2003|10:04pm]
[ mood | amused ]

How Would YOU Take Over the World?

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peace. love. and something else. [25 Jun 2003|09:05pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

okay so i definitely dont write in here very often, but I resolve to adjust those habits a bit.

here are some tidbits of what i'm up to:

**Chad and I made orange cream milk shakes last night - yummy yummy, and watched Punch Drunk Love - so great! rent it! weird/hilarious, wonderful

**started doing pilates - pretty easy to learn, im really sore so i know it's doing something, and i didnt have to pay for the dvd - groovy

**great fun at david's party saturday - some wild moments and great bean dip, then adventures in Shiloh Valley Overlook

**eating a lot of salad lately - Wendy's new southwest caesar salad is recommended

**had the best sandwich ever in the world today - chicken pesto um... something something... from Atlanta Bread Company - my mouth had an orgasm

**i have, as mentioned in previous entry, moved back into my old house w/ my aunt: i still have things to unpack and organize, the satellite in my room needs hooking up, and clothes are everywhere, but im gettin there - im so bad about that kinda stuff... procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate

**ran into Kami Jafari from high school at the mall recently and he owns one of those stand things, and is gonna hook me up with a job hopefully right away: $6 an hour plus 10% commission of what's sold - not bad, eh?

**watching too much tv/bumming around a lot lately and not doing stuff i need to be doing. I need to stop that!

**i HAVE been writing some, so that's good, and drawing also. And I want to start reading Brave New World finally or the Radiant Heart

Well I believe that's about all I can think of for now.
Chad's having a concert Saturday at Cool Beans in Marrietta Square if anyone's interested. It's starts at 8:00 but there's two people opening for him so he'll probably go on about 10.
He's playing with a band this time and is excited about it so it'd be great if anyone can make it. Oh, and it's free.

Love you all.

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welp... [22 May 2003|05:16pm]
[ mood | restless ]

so I'm moving out of the apartment now, and into probably my old old room at my aunt's house (my old house). It's strange, but the easiest choice. I didnt really take full advantage of the fact that I lived in that apartment. Karie and I had a weird, tense relationship and whenever I was around her she made me feel like I was very small, whether it was on purpose or not. It intimidated me to be around her because she was always mad about something I did. It's like a parent you avoid because for some reason or another you're always in trouble. Because of this, and the fact that I had no money for food and the only way I could eat was at CHad's, I wasn't at the apartment much. Even though Karie and I resolved many things in the end, I will be glad to get away from the tense mess of a home I had there.

So anyway, Im in the process of packing up and only have today and tomorrow to finish most of it. I have to go to a store and get more boxes. It will probably be target cuz my mom gave me her Target charge so I can get some clothes. I have close to nothing in summer clothes. One pair of shorts that dont fit me, a couple tank tops and old t-shirts, all of which are years old. Time for something new. Also, I tried on my bikini from a couple years ago and woah have I gained weight. That was a little depressing, but hey, what can ya do. Guess I should stop eating ice cream/cookies like every single day :).

Im going on vacation saturday for a week - Satellite Beach in Florida. Im really excited - I havent been to the beach in years :) It's just a little hectic trying to getting everything accomplished beforehand.

My dad sent me some money finally and Im able to pay back a lot of the money I owe people, so that is awesome. Now I need a job so I can continue to get out of debt and then stay out of debt. A while ago I was gonna apply at starbucks but I doubt they're still hiring. My mom said I could go through I temp agency or whatever and they'd find me an office job. We'll see.

Okay now I must go get boxes/clothes/money and pack. Toodles.

Oh, and I love you everyone! so much.

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la la la [10 Apr 2003|06:55pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I've been having weird dreams.

1st - the other night I had a dream about the coming of the locusts, which I told and asked some people about. I woke up and it was so vivid in my mind, I thought it was a memory. In the dream I was at a Starbucks or something - Im not sure if it actually was starbucks, it actually seemed like a strip mall or a grocery store or something, but it had the kind of atmosphere like the Barret Pkway starbucks, with all the cars and people everywhere and lots of noise. Melissa was there and she pulled up in a mustang convertible and was like "Hey!" and I was trying to save the locuts that looked all sweet and innocent like with pokemon eyes. It was interesting. It affected me in a weird way and I was asking people all day what locusts symbolized. I figured it out but it didnt help me. Oh well.

2nd - the other night I dreamt that the Iraqis converted the US soldiers and our troops switched to their side and started slaughtering Americans. People were running everywhere and forced to fight to save their lives and I was shooting the soldiers and watching people die. It was disturbing. Again, I woke up and questioned whether it was a memory. Im glad it wasnt.

Chad had a weird dream the other night too, that he was a ghost and someone was trying to kill me and his family and he was powerless to stop it.

And last night I think in my dream I was at a carnival or something and I was on the ferrs wheel and I jumped off of it or something.

Anyway, Im hungry, peace out.

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so... [03 Apr 2003|06:47pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

when was the last time i wrote in here? I dont even know. I think it's been a while but Im not sure...

so basically school is better. I'm actually studying and working hard and stuff... although Im sick AGAIN. Freaking hell, will I ever be well for like more than a week? The damn mono just sent me into this continuous cycle of getting better, then worse, then better. It just weakened my immune system. Even when Im well I'm like super dooper tired after only 3 hours of being awake... or less. Sometimes Im fine, though, and I guess sometimes is better than never. Im feeling better at the moment. Hopefully I shall continue to feel better.

Soon school will be over for a long time. Im excited and uncertain of everything at the same time. I hope I'm making the right decision. But if Im not, I'll come back. I just need to focus seriously on what I really want to do, instead of wasting time only half-doing what I want, and being miserable because Im not where I want to be, or getting there. My mom supports me in everything, so that makes it worlds easier.

I think about my past a lot. Every day actually... I dont know if that's bad or what. I just feel such remorse for things that went crazy and I have no control over now. It's weird how different things are now. Soooo different. I mean, I think about where I was a year ago, and it's like a different lifetime or something. In a way, it sort of is. I really miss Ian. I read his journal every now and then. He seems to be doing a hell of a lot better and I wish I could tell him how awesome i think that is, but i cant. Maybe he'll read this, who knows.

Im always either busy or sick or sleeping. I finally saw everybody for the first time in a while at Christina's party last weekend - was that last weekend? I think it was. Her hair looks so adorable. Christina's that is. You better not have dyed it black!

Dad finally sent me money. I was expecting like $150, and he sent $60, but hey, that's my Dad for ya. But with it, Im gonna get my tire replaced on my car finally, so it wont blow out while Im driving to school one day and make me wipe out on the highway and kill myself. That would suck. Um...okay that was a disturbing thought...

anyway, Im also going to order the Winsor pilates dvds... because Daisy Fuentes uses them and she's my idol! No, Im just kidding. Im really ordering them because Im going to get back into dance and I need to work on my dancer's muscles considering I havent danced in like 4 years. Im excited about that. It's gonna rule.

Oh yeah, Insomnia closed down, as I think everyone knows by now. That was weird and sudden. Last night I went out to eat at Ru San's. Damn, that was good food. Sushi rocks my socks. Anyone who hasnt been there, go, and I'll tell you what to order. Man, I am hungry.

Okay I guess I should probably go home now. Im at GSU in the computer lab. I came to do this experiment thing for psychology and there was a massive accident or something and I ended up being 45 minutes late because of mad crazy traffic. The lady who was supposed to give me the experiment had left, so I came to the computer lab to print out my psych notes. Now Im gonna go home and go running, weeee...

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bloop [10 Mar 2003|02:04pm]
[ mood | blah ]

like my new picture?
wish I was doing that right now
sleeping that is

some one make me study film!
well, i mean...
someone make me concentrate!!


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LOL [08 Mar 2003|03:35pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

lesser-known Simpsons character are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

I should have known.
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subject [27 Feb 2003|04:58pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]

yesterday was a great day

today i have a headache, and some worries about someone else

i hope everyone going/gone to mardi gras has a blast...
and I hope i find something exciting to do this next week
not much planned as of yet

blah im so boring
and so tired
goodness gracious i dont know why, though
i just got up 2 hours ago
oh never mind
i know why

im doing much better this semester grades-wise, and i have 5 classes
whereas last semester i had 3, and did crazy horrible

oh yeah, and Happy Belated Birthday Kevin, if you ever happen to read this...
I didnt know it was your birthday

im gonna go eat now
rock on

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it's all much more than it seems [19 Feb 2003|02:55pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

hoopity doopity, my psych class is cancelled, hoopity doopity i just wrote this entry and lost it thanks to my dumbassness, so yeah...

so anyway i came here to the computer lab with the intention of writing some of my french composition, but that doesnt look like it's happening at the moment. im always attracted to the internet. cuz you know, it's so sexy.

wow, i never write in here, do i?
oh well, im always caught up in nothingness...
well, sometimes it's everythingness as well.

this is boring, sorry...
i still havent gone to the clinic (although i tried to today)
or to the financial aid office (although i tried this today too)
i still havent gotten a job (although i intend to apply somewhere tonight)
but im also still doing fine in my classes, thank goodness
or thanks to my wonderful intelligence and studiousness, hmm, indeed.

i want some chai...*sigh*
excuse me while i walk to class now, to the other side of the universe, the Aderhold galaxy...
where i shall pass by a starbucks
and whine
and long for my dear friend

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