*Ceara Elise* (violetdreamer) wrote,
*Ceara Elise*
violetdreamer

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so...

so I've been sort of nonexistent for a long while... awake but not really here. I've decided some changes are long overdue and I guess I realized I miss feeling a wider range of emotions... every day - not just some days. Of course when you're drifting along half-contentedly in a cloud of 'now' it's sometimes hard to recognize that you could experience something greater tomorrow, if only you let yourself. I havent written in here in a long time, I havent written in a long time, I havent screamed and laughed out loud, twirled around and been outrageous in a long time, I havent had "girltalk" in a long time. I dont wanna live here anymore, I dont wanna dwell here anymore in these neuroses that follow me in curious disguise. I've come a long way, but no one has seen it - not even those closest to me. No one sees, and eventually I forget to notice. THen desperation comes, with no real way to express it. I've become numb in a lot of ways because numbness is the only way I seem to let anything happen in my life... otherwise I analyze every tiny detail of every insignificant situation until I'm a mess of anxiety. I think about every thing over and over again until I finally can decide how I feel about it and of course by then it's too late to do anything about anything. Or else it's a ton more difficult. It's not that I'm depressed, it's that I just... am. I'm just here. Being in this place is too easy, but easy doesnt always equal happy. It's easy in the way that falling into a hole is easy once you slip. I think some people who know me probably think I've stopped caring. But I probably care more than before, I've just stopped experiencing. ANd now Im trying to stop stopping what I've stopped. INdeed. I want to say more but my thoughts are just all over the place right now. THat's what happens after 9 hours of runnin around.

by the way... anyone know anyone who wants to work at a salon with me?
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  • 7 comments
WOw I havn't heard from you in ages. Good to see you are still around. Unfortunately I don't know anyone who would want to work in a Salon off hand.

Howdy, how are you?
it was a shock to see your journal entry pop up while reading through my friends. You probably don't even remember talking to me. I don't remember much that was said, but I remember it was good. I see your having some inner conflict. I've been having alot of that lately. Time just seems to roll by and happiness jumped on the saddle of time and road off into the sunset. I miss the days when I would die laughing. I have developed this numbness you speak of. I usually was never the one to be numb. I was always the one telling everybody how much I care for them and how I appreciate everything they do. I still find myself doing it, but I attempt to stop myself. I hope you pull through your struggle and possibily one day we'll talk again. Peace out.

Best of Wishes
ToM
hey...my name is rob, im from an indie/emo band called morning after. Basically, this is more or less a cheap/somewhat desperate attempt to spread the word about us if at all possible, sorry to randomly bother you with this, but you can check us out at www.purevolume.com/morningafter leave me a message, let me know what you think, regardless of if you like or not. if you dont, tell why! we're always up for constructive criticism. again sorry for the randomness.

Rob

^click^

hey! sorry to bother you but we are trying to spread the word and noticed that you like emo music. they are an emo/indie band from FL. check these guys out. also check out their site at www.mygetawayrock.com or on livejournal mygetaway Thanks!!

Anonymous

June 11 2004, 18:59:33 UTC 12 years ago


the first 10 applications get
in with only having to post
3 pictures.
Hi, we don't know eachother but I just wanted to say a few things. One of which concerning your lack-of-reality feeling...I think we may be feeling the same thing, but in case we don't really see eye to eye then I'll save it. Also, you probably get this alot but...you have the most gorgeous eyes. Sorry to be so creepy, just wanted to get that out in the open.
ceara my love! i would work with you any day! i've missed you ...and everyone for a long time and i hate my current drifting monotonous crap hole of a life as well. umm...i would put my number up here, but i don't want any weirdos calling me. e-mail me (crazeekates@hotmail.com) and i'll call you if you leave a number or i'll e-mail you my number. please get in touch with me. i would love it more than you know.