*Ceara Elise* (violetdreamer) wrote,
*Ceara Elise*

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so I've been sort of nonexistent for a long while... awake but not really here. I've decided some changes are long overdue and I guess I realized I miss feeling a wider range of emotions... every day - not just some days. Of course when you're drifting along half-contentedly in a cloud of 'now' it's sometimes hard to recognize that you could experience something greater tomorrow, if only you let yourself. I havent written in here in a long time, I havent written in a long time, I havent screamed and laughed out loud, twirled around and been outrageous in a long time, I havent had "girltalk" in a long time. I dont wanna live here anymore, I dont wanna dwell here anymore in these neuroses that follow me in curious disguise. I've come a long way, but no one has seen it - not even those closest to me. No one sees, and eventually I forget to notice. THen desperation comes, with no real way to express it. I've become numb in a lot of ways because numbness is the only way I seem to let anything happen in my life... otherwise I analyze every tiny detail of every insignificant situation until I'm a mess of anxiety. I think about every thing over and over again until I finally can decide how I feel about it and of course by then it's too late to do anything about anything. Or else it's a ton more difficult. It's not that I'm depressed, it's that I just... am. I'm just here. Being in this place is too easy, but easy doesnt always equal happy. It's easy in the way that falling into a hole is easy once you slip. I think some people who know me probably think I've stopped caring. But I probably care more than before, I've just stopped experiencing. ANd now Im trying to stop stopping what I've stopped. INdeed. I want to say more but my thoughts are just all over the place right now. THat's what happens after 9 hours of runnin around.

by the way... anyone know anyone who wants to work at a salon with me?
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